(Updates are planned for every Friday afternoon/evening)
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I unsteal Declan's sheet, laying it atop his bed. I know he says I just borrowed it, but it's hard to believe when I've done so many sinful things lately. It's like I'm super sensitive to it now, you know? I can feel my sinful thoughts growing stronger and stronger.
When Declan told me he masturbated? Yup, my mind immediately went to whenever I masturbated in the past. And even worse, I thought about masturbating with Declan immediately after he said it, too. Not just thinking about him while doing it, but doing it with him.
And when he told me he had sex with another woman? It might have been two women. Declan was a little fuzzy with the details. Either way… jealousy! I really don't like that. I don't want Declan having sex with other women, I want him to have sex with…
Wait, no. No, no no! Which isn't true, because yes yes yes…
But, no! Obviously it's a no. It's supposed to be a no. We've already had sex though, so why not? The sin's already happened, and Declan's going to be a priest so it's not like he'll be having sex after that, and if I'm a nun then I won't have sex after that, either.
And now I'm thinking of some torrid love affair where I'm a part of Declan's church and we sneak off into every which way of the religious sanctum to consummate our forbidden love affair unbeknownst to the churchgoers.
In my imagination I'm standing off to the side while Declan performs his Sunday sermon. And when I look over at the third pew from the front, the one on the left, not quite in the center of it but a little to the right…
That's where Declan and I had sex last night. In my mind, in the imaginary scenario where somehow we're both religious paradigms meant to showcase proper Catholic ideals.
Yup, everything's just going crazy and I'm very sensitive to these things right now. These sinful thoughts of mine…
It doesn't help that I'm in the shower, naked, hot water streaming all around me. I wash up, trying to clean off, but every time my hands go up my leg and towards…
Is it bad if I masturbate in the shower? I mean, all things considered, I think that'll be the least of my sins. I'm not saying that makes it any better, but my confession is going to be juicy, regardless, so…
No! Bad Maddy! Be good!
Except I do it anyways. On accident. I pretend I'm just cleaning myself, just taking a shower, but my fingers linger in places they shouldn't. I remember laying in Declan's bed last night, the feeling of his hands on me. I remember how gentle and sweet he was with me. I remember how careful he was. How worried, how much he didn't want to hurt me.
You didn't hurt me, Declan. I know we shouldn't have done that, and I know we shouldn't do it again.
I say shouldn't, but I don't say can't. I don't say couldn't. I should say we couldn't and we can't, but I can't bring myself to say that. I don't want to say that.
It felt nice, though. It felt amazing and wonderful and if Declan were my husband, if he was my forever, I think I would be the luckiest girl in the world.
If only a sin wasn't a sin, how wonderful could it be? I think it would be very wonderful and special.
I don't know if God understands. I know he does, though. It's not God that doesn't understand sins, it's us. That's why he tells us, it's why he told us.
Otherwise, I don't think I would ever know. What Declan and I did last night didn't feel like a sin to me.
It felt like it was the opposite.
(The end for now. More coming very soon!)
This is a little more of a transition chapter, so it's shorter and more to the point. And Maddy's getting some naughty ideas now, which, um… be good, Maddy! Really now!
Or be a little bad with Declan. It might be fun…
I'll have Declan's side next week, which should definitely be entertaining! I hope you enjoyed this one.
Bye for now! ^_^
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